To My Momma

Up and down. Bitter and sweet.  Happy and sad.  Just like the last Mother's Day.  Next year will be the same and so will the next year and the one after that. I wish that I could have the privilege to share just one Mother's Day with my mom, as a mom.  But it is not to be.  

I went through this week a bit on edge, not really knowing why and then it came to me, I was missing my mom.  Just another way that grief rears its ugly head.  Last year I was only a mom for a few weeks before I was faced with my first Mother's Day.  A time that should have been exciting and purely happy.  But it was also the first Mother's Day I was facing without my mom.  I was a mother with a newborn so I went through the day bleary eyed and exhausted.  Crying often for the mother I was missing but also smiling often for the baby that had made me a mom.  The day came and went, I enjoyed as much as I could, appreciative of the flowers and cards but I have to admit I was secretly glad to let that day slip behind me because I didn't need yet another reminder that my mom was gone.

This Mother's Day my eyes are a bit brighter, my body is better rested and my mind is much sharper.  Despite all of that, a year later the loss of my mom and her absence on this day is still just as painful.  In the weeks leading up to Mother's Day I have seen countless Hallmark ads reminding me to get a card to thank my mother for all she has done for me.  Initially the ads made me want to throw a shoe at the TV or mutter some sort of expletive about how my mom isn't here.  Instead of being angry and boycotting Mother's Day I decided to write a card to my mom and say all the things I would like to say to her now. 

Marmie,

I've lost count of the number of times over the past year that I've had the urge to pick up the phone and call you. I suppose that urge might never go away.  I want to thank you for being the mom you were for 29 years.  I'm sure there were days that you wanted to lose your cool, especially during our teenage years when the days with fights among sisters outnumbered the days without fights. I've realized this year how much you have taught me about being a mother.  I wish that you were here to teach it to me first-hand but you lived your life setting an example for which I strive to meet. Your patience, your love and your sense of humor live on. I really wish that you could see your grandson and what an amazing little human he is.  There are times when he does something that makes me think of you, I think about how it would make you laugh if I could call you up and tell you about it.  I feel closer to you on these days. If I have one wish as a mother it would be that my children love me the way that your children love you.  

Love,

Kinzie 

As I reflect on this Mother's Day I try to embrace what it is to be a mother.  I could definitely use more patience but I'll never be lacking on love for my child. As I rocked Oliver to sleep tonight I felt closer than ever to my mom.  I thought of all the nights she spent rocking us as babies and the nights she spent reading us stories, tucking us into bed and laying with us just a few minutes longer. She probably didn't realize the profound impact that those simple acts would have on me 30 years later. 

Please love the mom in your life a little bit harder and hug her a little bit tighter. Today and tomorrow and the day after that.

Ebb and Flow

What a good day.  I'm not going to make this a long post because it's 9:30 pm and the chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven aren't going to eat themselves.  The day didn't present itself to be such a special one.  We were up several times in the night due to teething. Boo. So at 6 am we were up and at 'em.  The baby was grouchy, Lola was being obnoxious and I was counting down the hours until bed time. But after 8:30 am nappies Oliver woke up refreshed and in an excellent mood.  We met Greta and Josephine for a playdate where we worked on our driving skills.

You can't see it but Greta is perfectly at 10 and 2, Oliver likes to roll a bit dangerously by just using one hand.

After the playdate we went and ate some excellent Thai food where Oliver and Greta enjoyed some Pad See Aiew and about a pound of cantaloupe. With yummy food fresh in their bellies Oliver and Greta parted ways to go take their afternoon naps.  After his nap we had a little sensory fun in the driveway.  I filled some tupperware with flour, uncooked oatmeal and uncooked rotini pasta.  It was great fun and occupied Oliver for over 30 minutes.  He loved stirring and transferring ingredients from one dish to the other.  I like to think he was practicing for all of the cooking he will someday do for me.

The fun was topped off by dumping the flour over his head.  Always a good idea.  Good thing we were outside or daddy would have had a aneurysm.

The rest of the evening flowed from dinner to a walk down our trail in our new backyard. Something Corey has been begging me to do for weeks but I have been dodging due to the fact that there are snakes and ticks in the woods and I want nothing to do with either.  But I can't avoid it forever so I finally succumbed to his requests and dressed quite appropriately in jeans, long sleeves, a hat, and my Ugg boots (I think a pair of Hunter rain boots are a necessity now that we live in the woods, hint hint my love, Mother's Day is Sunday). I dressed the baby the same, minus the Ugg boots, slathered on the all-natural bug repellent and off we went.  Lola led the way and despite my constant look out for slithery creatures I have to say it was so lovely.  We walked quietly through the forest, I half expected Bella and Edward to come running through the trees Twilight vampire style but we didn't see them or any other large creatures thankfully.  We just walked and talked and the only thing we left behind us were our footprints in the soft mud and the faint smell of citronella and cedar oil.  Towards the end of our walk it started to rain a bit but we were sheltered by the canopy of trees so the only evidence we had of it was the soft sound of the drops hitting the leaves overhead.

After our walk we made a quick trip to the grocery and then had a little bit of play time in Oliver's room before bedtime.  I love days like these. Where one activity flows effortlessly and spontaneously into the next.  I'm a planner by nature and I'm constantly trying to plan fun family days and force moments of greatness but these are the great moments. The ones that aren't planned. The ones where you bypass your debilitating fear of serpents and decide that bath time can be skipped and bedtime can be pushed back an hour.

Celebrate!

Each week for the past year I have been getting a weekly message in my Inbox.  It's a message from Babycenter with an update on my baby's progress.  The subject line reads something like, "Your Baby, Month 4 Week 3" and within the message is information about milestones he may be accomplishing, challenges we may be having and fun activities to help my little one learn.  But this week the subject line read, "Your Toddler This Week, Your 1 Year Old".  Cue the tears, the aching heart and the immediate need to look through his baby book. There are differing opinions on when a baby officially makes the transition to a toddler.  Some say as soon as he starts walking and others say that the one year mark is the gateway to toddler-dom.  Either way you look at it O is officially a toddler.

To celebrate the occasion we had a birthday party for him this weekend.  The aunties came, Grandpa and Grandma Rekers came, Great Aunt Fonda and second cousin Amanda made the trip from Iowa too.  Along with a few of his little friends and their mommies and daddies we had a lovely little party on an otherwise gloomy, cloudy Saturday.  We brightened things up with balloons...lots of balloons. And also with lemonade, a cake and of course presents.

After weeks of planning a menu and crafting and cleaning it was so good to relax and watch the people I love love on my baby toddler. I hope that when he looks back on these pictures and moments he truly knows what a loved human he is.

I realized a day or two after the party that I got absolutely no pictures of Oliver with Corey and I and also didn't get any pictures with Grandpa and Grandma Rekers. Worst. Mom. Ever. This is the closest thing we got to pictures with mom and dad.

I guess my only defense is that photographing a whirling twirling toddler all hopped up on cake is crazy hard.  Speaking of cake. Did he ever love his cake. It went exactly as it should go. The first taste, a bit tentative then when the sugar hit his blood and the receptors in his brain received the message that went something like this, "sugar? What is this delicious treat, it tastes so swe---GAHHHH sugar!!!!!" And then he dove right in. Face first, hands back, the way you should be obligated to eat cake.

He quite obviously is in heaven.

It was an awesome weekend.  When all the wrapping paper was picked up, the food put away, the dishes done and the last car had left the driveway I found myself a little sad.  Sad for the baby that is now a toddler and sad that our family lives so far from us that we can't do this every weekend.  I remember growing up each Sunday we would go to my Grandpa and Grandma's house and have dinner after church.  All the cousins would play together, the aunts would do the dishes and then we would all sit around in the afternoon.  No TV, no video games just family being family. The birthday week is being extended into this next weekend.  Grandpa and Grandma Lisk and Uncle Carson are coming and we're looking forward to more celebration and more hugs and kisses. I wish that we all lived close enough to get together every Sunday.  Unfortunately that's not the case right now.  We live in different states and different time zones and these large gatherings can only happen a few times a year.  I guess the silver lining is that when these gatherings do happen you hug a bit tighter and laugh a bit harder because you know these moments are few and far between.