To My Momma

Up and down. Bitter and sweet.  Happy and sad.  Just like the last Mother's Day.  Next year will be the same and so will the next year and the one after that. I wish that I could have the privilege to share just one Mother's Day with my mom, as a mom.  But it is not to be.  

I went through this week a bit on edge, not really knowing why and then it came to me, I was missing my mom.  Just another way that grief rears its ugly head.  Last year I was only a mom for a few weeks before I was faced with my first Mother's Day.  A time that should have been exciting and purely happy.  But it was also the first Mother's Day I was facing without my mom.  I was a mother with a newborn so I went through the day bleary eyed and exhausted.  Crying often for the mother I was missing but also smiling often for the baby that had made me a mom.  The day came and went, I enjoyed as much as I could, appreciative of the flowers and cards but I have to admit I was secretly glad to let that day slip behind me because I didn't need yet another reminder that my mom was gone.

This Mother's Day my eyes are a bit brighter, my body is better rested and my mind is much sharper.  Despite all of that, a year later the loss of my mom and her absence on this day is still just as painful.  In the weeks leading up to Mother's Day I have seen countless Hallmark ads reminding me to get a card to thank my mother for all she has done for me.  Initially the ads made me want to throw a shoe at the TV or mutter some sort of expletive about how my mom isn't here.  Instead of being angry and boycotting Mother's Day I decided to write a card to my mom and say all the things I would like to say to her now. 

Marmie,

I've lost count of the number of times over the past year that I've had the urge to pick up the phone and call you. I suppose that urge might never go away.  I want to thank you for being the mom you were for 29 years.  I'm sure there were days that you wanted to lose your cool, especially during our teenage years when the days with fights among sisters outnumbered the days without fights. I've realized this year how much you have taught me about being a mother.  I wish that you were here to teach it to me first-hand but you lived your life setting an example for which I strive to meet. Your patience, your love and your sense of humor live on. I really wish that you could see your grandson and what an amazing little human he is.  There are times when he does something that makes me think of you, I think about how it would make you laugh if I could call you up and tell you about it.  I feel closer to you on these days. If I have one wish as a mother it would be that my children love me the way that your children love you.  

Love,

Kinzie 

As I reflect on this Mother's Day I try to embrace what it is to be a mother.  I could definitely use more patience but I'll never be lacking on love for my child. As I rocked Oliver to sleep tonight I felt closer than ever to my mom.  I thought of all the nights she spent rocking us as babies and the nights she spent reading us stories, tucking us into bed and laying with us just a few minutes longer. She probably didn't realize the profound impact that those simple acts would have on me 30 years later. 

Please love the mom in your life a little bit harder and hug her a little bit tighter. Today and tomorrow and the day after that.